WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
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My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
Thursday
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
We need to put an American base on the sun
“A little help here, Danny?”
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
My life is fraught with reality
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.