wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.