wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
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My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.
Interior design 👌
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.