Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples

Me: please, I’ve tried everything

Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware

If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano

8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you

People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.

I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.

I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”

He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”

me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25

slow driver in front of me:

Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.

Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.

You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!

my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.

Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.

Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes

Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.

Remember that it’s “i before e” …

Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed

*wakes up from 20 year coma*

SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI

[1st date]

HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency

HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing

My dad installed a dash cam in my car at some point when I was home for thanksgiving and I found out when I turned my car on to go to target and a very clearly Chinese lady’s voice said “start recording” out of nowhere

Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Yes

Magician: And this?

Me: Yup

Magician: How about this one?

Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet

I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.

You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.

I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way

[Starbucks]

“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”

Barista: Is Pepsi ok?

when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late

I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.