Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?

My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.

So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.

“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”

–Pluto, the former planet

OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-

Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.

I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.

*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people

I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.

I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window

12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie

I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂

Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.

*Gary pole vaults past us*

Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.

Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.

Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.

For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!

Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.

Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.

me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]

Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*

Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*

carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?

ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it

My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago

This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.

Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.

a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians

Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.

Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?

Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.

Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles

No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct

I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER