wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
You Might Also Like
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Fidel Castro was alive?
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.