Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?

Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.

Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here

Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.

[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”

I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted

who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life

Our friends: [just married] we want kids

Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours

My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny

chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing

You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?

Cannibals.
And also a fork.

Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him

Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage

DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN

ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues

DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun

walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”

If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December

Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive

How to lose a gf:

Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*

Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.

People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding

Isn’t

Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!

– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”

Me: *petting my cat*

My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.

You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.

– My 4yo. Apparently.

When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.

One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party

I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit

What do you call a man with no car???

…an Uber.

I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”

Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank

Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!

Uber: What?

Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out