Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.

my friends are so lucky i can’t do a backflip, i would be so fucking annoyinggg

The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work

just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss

Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.

Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.

baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy

I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

Date: everything ok?

Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife

Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?

Me: tonight if you play your cards right

“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”

I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.

Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso

God: you’re a capybara.

Capybara: yay!

God: you’re the largest rodent.

Capybara: double yay!

God: also you live in South America.

Capybara: so cool!

God: wow you’re in a great mood!

Capybara: just living my personal motto!

God: which is?

Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )

I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo

Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom

“did I catch you at a bad time?”

– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober

Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.

Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!

If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it

Parent level: expert

Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”

If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster

I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day

My patient: [bleeding out] when

*watches someone skateboard off a roof

…hold my beer

ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present

ESKIMO: You idiot