Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.

Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.

Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?

My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.

Who did this…? 💫⚡️

I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.

(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)

officer: give me your name

me: then what am I going to use?

Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”

My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”

A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL

Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”

If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.

Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.

I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.

FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.

Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.

[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME

At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.

my father: enjoying the marching band?

me: yes 🙂

my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-

me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here

Reasons I visit a TL:

1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know

Life hack

*Turning off led flashlight.

Led flashlight: hahahahaha

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila mockingbird.

The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.

3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body

My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.

Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair

“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”

Me: Um, brooding real hard.