The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
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Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
dam girl
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri