Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much

me: let me out then

cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it

dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me

Don’t beat an alive horse either.

Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail

I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.

(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)

Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.

That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.

Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.

Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.

Me: No.

My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.

Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!

Me:

Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.

E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.

I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.

“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”

early man: made primitive tools from stone

late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing

If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?

Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*

Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.

I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering

“911, what is your emergency?”

Yes I can’t hear my television

“Sir, this is not an emer-”

Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door

[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT

Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years

Me: punching a goose in its mouth

Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position

Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose

When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts

[Googling]

How many calories in a glass of white wine?

*45 minutes later*

[Googling]

How many calories in a bottle of white wine?

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay

Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there

[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?

OBAMA: How did you get this number?

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.

Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.