Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!

Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere

I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.

Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?

My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.

MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: hi grayfish

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: u said that already

GOLDFISH: said what

OK…so naked running…

Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.

I wish I knew this an hour ago.

Oh, and send bail money.

[arguing w girlfriend]

Her: I feel like we have communication problems.

Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.

After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.

only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired

Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.

So, just me..

What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?

An acquaintance

I fell in love with a female electrician.

…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.

When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.

I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.

Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week

Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons

I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”

Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.

me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days

old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers

me: yeah, so?

old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids

Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.

The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”

When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running

School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”

Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose

I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster

Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.

If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people