Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste

The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.

if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers

Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.

I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.

someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc

carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?

ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it

Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”

I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.

Good morning!

To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.

Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”

-my wife

“Shhhhh”

– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into

Wife: *packing a bag*

Me: Where are you going?

W: I’m leaving you for my boss

M: Don’t go—

W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind

M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note

W: I despise you

I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.

The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with

ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all

[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.

Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout

My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself

My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale

My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts

I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.

This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her

I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.