Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”

#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.

No one:

My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!

Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*

“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes

You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care

the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week

My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book

I’m so hungry I could eat an apple

Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?

Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.

[being strangled]

me: wait stop

murderer: what

me: did u wash your hands

Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol

Eve: oh right, you like puns

Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake

hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe

If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.

Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.

Me: So you want to see other people?

Him: I’m just getting glasses!

Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.

Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.

Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.

Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.

Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?

Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy

[Earlier that day]

Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head

Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅

I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.