Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
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me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Get off my horse you stupid moon
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?