wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
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I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂
Super Hand Dog Face
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Woke up against my better judgment again
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.