Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

very niche meme I made

I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.

how to market bottled water to dads

I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.

Me: We spend a lot of time together.

Her: Turn left.

Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.

Her: Arriving at destination.

I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.

So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on

Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.

Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…

If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….

At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.

It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.

If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems

*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?

If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.

the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂

Scientist: what do u know about atoms

Me: very little

Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve

Me: Those shoes are fresh!

12: Mom. No.

Me: Don’t be whack.

I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.

I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.

Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?

Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.

Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?

the rocks need my help

Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now

Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.

I asked him how much they were.

He said “It’s five pound a strip”

I said “Do I get to choose the music?”

Just looked at me then walked off 🤣

just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.

bears