Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: hi do you take walk ins?

funeral parlor director: what?

I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks

I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love

“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”

Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?

Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.

If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.

Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.

If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.

[playing checkers]

him: king me

me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate

Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.

Wife: I need to lose weight

Me: Maybe you should work out

Wife: Maybe we should workout together

Me: Maybe I should mind my own business

Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.

Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.

Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.

~Confucius

This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.

a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class

I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.

Clark Kent: *removes glasses*

Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are

fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work

[looks at text from 2 days ago]

Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?

12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this

Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.

*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*

I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.

Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme

“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.

[before sex]

ME: Did you notice I waxed?

WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows