Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store

Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.

parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.

THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol

MICHELANGELO: what

Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

[interview]

Any questions?

“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”

No about working here

“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”

Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.

I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“

…As if I plan on eating it.

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.

More people would get the booster if it came with fries.

I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant

If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.

Robber: *is literally robbing my house*

My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.

Me: You’re adopted

Ted: What? How long have I been a dop

In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume

“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.

8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*

Me: Why do you look so angry?

8: I was getting my picture taken.

Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment

Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between

think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you

ME: I think I chipped a tooth

GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time

if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.

*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?

me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.

“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.