Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**

I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…

IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW

Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!

Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille

Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.

One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.

My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked

I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73

If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.

me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard

Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria

Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.

*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”

I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in

Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure

Bilbo: no

Gandalf: can i come in for tea

Bilbo: also no

Gandalf: dinner with my friends?

Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me

Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want

me: more teeth

dentist: what

me: *recording video* no skimping now

please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,

The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.

having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.

Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.

My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much

no!! no!!!!!!

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.

Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.

[Airplane]

Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”

My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”

Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”

OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.

So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.

10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?

Me: Sure.

11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.

[At the gym]

My body: WTF

Me: I know

Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?

Me: No, this is how it is from now on.

Body: *charley horse*

Me: Well played, bitch… well played