Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love hard, but I stupid harder.

Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors

Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope

[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry

me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner

son: why not???

me: because

son: because you ate it all for lunch again?

me:

son:

me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast

I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.

Me: you know what’s sexy?

Mirror: no

Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!

someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.

Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper

Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate

7: I don’t want you to have any more babies

Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies

7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.

My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

[black jack]

DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged

[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.

you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*

me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*

Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.

~me as a motivational speaker

Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.

“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”

“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”

“You heard me.”

we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”

Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.

House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!

My apartment is a mess, I should move

some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting

Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge

At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.

Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99

Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99