Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
You Might Also Like
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
If you love something set it free.
*releases 4 year old son into downtown New York City*
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
I seriously can’t stop laughing 😂😂
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!
*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
I can’t believe Obama just sat back and let this happen. #ThanksObama
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.