Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.

I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.

My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x

Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.

My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”

Moments like these are when I ask for money.

me: this haunted house is so scary

wife:

me: look at all the spooky witches

wife: we are in a house of mirrors

me: oh no they seem mad

looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours

My husband is working from home and he’s still late.

Boss “Are you high?”

Me “If I was high could I do this?”

*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”

I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away

When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.

Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.

When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

Domino’s : we said 30 min or less

guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now

Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?

Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are

I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat

I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.

[In meeting]

Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.

“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus

Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.

Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.

Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants

Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…

Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.

HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.

I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.