wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
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I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no