Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to get a girl to like you:

1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?

No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.

Me working remotely from home:

“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”

*moving laundry from washer to dryer

Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment

Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card

Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*

Boss: Sonofa

just witnessed a drug deal

Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?

Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that

A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL

Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos

just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”

Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.

Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.

“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.

me: I should go to sleep

my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.

my heart: everyone is mad at you.

my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?

Me: idk, two, three hours?

Cop: you have fifteen minutes

Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude

Cop:

Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner

“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”

Getting a good nights sleep

Halloween cuteness.. 🎃

🎥 IG: mr.smokey21

A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.

Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”

Her:

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.

Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.

My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.

God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink

Angel: that’s pretty cool

G: but only a little bit

A: ooookaaaayy…

G: and they’re leaky as hell

A: there it is

A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller

toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”

I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.

I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.

“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”

~My son apparently