wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
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My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
dead inside
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.