Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.

gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that

me: will do

[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]

me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports

her dad: that’s right

me: why

Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot

11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”

The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.

Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.

It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?

I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.

Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?

Personal question. #JustSaying

Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god

My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet

Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan

Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..

~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand

Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?

Genie: Stop saying it like that.

Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.

*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*

[wife texts me from France]

“Really?”

West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.

[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer

Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping

Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert

Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*

Oscar: Hey Urn-ie

Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!

Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.

#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath

[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are

*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW

Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.

“Bjärk! Bjärk!”

-Björk’s dog

If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.