Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.

[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here

what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business

Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.

COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife

I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face

I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.

Cinematography is my passion

Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down

Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe

Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science

me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me

pizza guy: u sure?

Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here

MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula

WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh

Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.

Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house

My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.

Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.

If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.

My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.

In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”

You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”

*Husband playing computer game*

Me: I’m going to go pee.

Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.

Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Husband: OK. Enjoy.

Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches

I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.

Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.