Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
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A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
(flirting with the waitress) so how hot does the oven have to be to melt the tuna?
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
this post was so formative to me
I’m not like most teenage girls. I’m a forty-one year old man
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.