Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ugh not again

darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay

Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!

Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!

MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?

ME: no

MT: i wasn’t asking

ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were

When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch

I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.

I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.

It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.

-kids

[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”

The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.

feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty

Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”

me: *quarantines self*

*runs out of wine*

me: *unquarantines self*

Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.

Homeschooling, day 8:

People do this willingly?

Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood

Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo

[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]

little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶

McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please

Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?

McConaughey: I don’t know

This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.

Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.

*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*

Sir, you wanna box for those?

“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”

“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.

Brains are sexy

Wish everyone had one

Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.

Me: Why not?

Wife: Then we’d be in hell.

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.

I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.

You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.

I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.

I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”