wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
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Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Tell the colonel to bring it
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast