WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
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The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo