WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
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Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
that would 100% work on me
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??