WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
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911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not