Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge

Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?

Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?

(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.

My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.

Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.

Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.

On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.

I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?

ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.

*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*

Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!

Me: That’s exactly what that is.

Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice

Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.

Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever

Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?

People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:

Samwise’s Lord of the Wings

Tyler Durden’s Chowder House

Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)

Short Round’s Tempura of Doom

Hannibal’s

Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.

CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*

Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.

Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?

*bride and groom kiss*

minister: wow im like right here

Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.

Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?

A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.

[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.

Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered

11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”

The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.

Judge: That’s my job!

While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.

Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed