wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
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in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Finally!
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
they need to invent a dishwasher with a window on it. i have to know what goes on in there
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE