wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
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I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Sticker placement is key.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.