Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”

Ha.

I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed

[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.

*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*

Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this

I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…

It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?

So we got a goldfish…

I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.

Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend

[straw house]

Wolf: [big inhale]

[gun cock from inside]

Wolf: [soft exhale]

All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.

[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking

Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it

Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”

[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?

5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.

Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.

DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does

So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.

As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.

I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.

IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers

IKEA double challenge: add cats

IKEA triple challenge: now wine

[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell

My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back

Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.

I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.

me: what was the hearing for?

lawyer: WHAT?

me: the hearing.

lawyer: WHAT?