Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶

*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*

Him: Is that a new shampoo?

I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.

When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?

A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else

It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need

*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red

Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.

If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away

2 students brought hard boiled eggs in their lunches today so it’s time to separate the kids into the haves and have nots

Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird

English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions

I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days

I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.

That stupid look on my face, is my face

Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.

Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.

People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.

It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.

Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.

Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?

[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say

No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!

For all I know, you could be a vegan.

If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.

Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.

A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.

Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.

I wish I could veto my bills.

To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing

4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby

Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”