@pilau

Wife: the baby needs changing

Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her

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@broken_rhi

My new boyfriend and I have an interesting dynamic, like the peanut vendor at a crowded circus who doesn’t see the woman frantically waving a dollar bill, he still doesn’t seem to understand that we are dating.

@rachelle_mandik

[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake

@bIondiewasabi

twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE

twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.

@MissHavisham

My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.

@NotOnTheMoors

Dragons were fun-loving creatures, but when told a good joke they tended to snort and grill the storyteller. It earned them a bad reputation

@YSylon

“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.

0/10 stars, would not recommend.”

– Super Mario Bros. Online review

@ThaJawn

Dog: I don’t get it

Me: What don’t you get?

Dog: Just go over it again

Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food

Dog: *tilts head* What?

@7_Cents

The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.

@JohnHilsen

Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.

@Gupton68

*being murdered*

Him: You should of kept your mouth shut

Me: No. It’s should HAVE

*gets stabbed another 84 times*