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@FU_TangClan: Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
@handsock_butts: Me: I didn't get anything this year. Do you think Santa's magic...is running out?
Wife: Santa isn't real
Me: Don't lie to save my feelings
@dianamail17: Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
@sixfootcandy: Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
@AGreaterMonster: *Flips over cards*
It was your TC in the KIK room with the retweeter.
@KenJennings: I've been at this elementary school talent show for half an hour and I've already heard "Shake It Off" 137 times.