Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
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6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Realize this:
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper