wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
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This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever
LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?
WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes
LAWYER:
WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy
LAWYER: …I have concerns
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
I stand by it
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.