WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
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Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.
Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.