Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.

The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.

You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.

Me: I’m on the carnival diet.

Person: You mean the carnivore diet?

Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.

why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries

Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.

Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?

ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]

Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.

[Surgery]

Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”

Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”

Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”

*Surgeon starts sawing off leg

*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy

My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”

[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]

Me: must be good genetics

My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky

Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.

Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.

20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.

30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.

40s: What thread count are your sheets?

Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.

football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays

Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.

Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”

*watching Hoarders

Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.

[my first day at the spa]

*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*

perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower

ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.

FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?

ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.

DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!

ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?

I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.

I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit

I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.

-inventor of powerwalking

Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.

My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.