WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
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english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”