@dafloydsta

WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again

ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?

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@Kyle_Lippert

Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.

@AmishPornStar1

How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?

@chuuew

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

@TheTweetOfGod

With God all things are possible; but with money all things are probable. And with a good accountant, they’re all deductible.

@LurkAtHomeMom

The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.

@rad_milk

the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces

@FatherWithTwins

Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.

@Laser_Cat

I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.