WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again

ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?

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Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.


How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?


[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?


With God all things are possible; but with money all things are probable. And with a good accountant, they’re all deductible.


The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.


the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces


Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.


I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.