WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
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me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
My dad teaching me to drive
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
when someone compliments me
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…