Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
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if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
The best plant holders?
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.