Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.

My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.

new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby

friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop

Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to

friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha

Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that

I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?

People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face

You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers

Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.

I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend

😂😂

[Gender reveal party]

Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?

Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.

I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.

I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.

A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation

What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.

Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.

God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?

Cat:

God:

Cat:

God: *creates dogs*

I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.

DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?

Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life

9am: *starts diet*

2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*

Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.

Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]

We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”

So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!

GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!

Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.

*bites zombie*

I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER

It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem

I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.