Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)

God: you’re a decapod.

Crab: what does that mean?

God: it means you have 10 legs.

Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.

God: at least you don’t have a hundred.

Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?

Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?

“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am

ME: *stands by the window*

ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot

The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.

In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault

It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.

A minute, 45 seconds.

How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.

[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation

i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form

Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.

Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69

Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.

What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?

Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.

So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.

I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.

Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.

Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware

Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing

Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on

Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no

One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’

BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today

ME: oh, wow

BARISTA: yup

[awkward pause]

ME: could…could you get it down?

[Christmas shopping]

me: I’m looking for a toy for my son

clerk: how old?

me: something new please

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening

My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!

The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.

they told me I could be anything and then they were like “lmao just kidding, you’re going to be a test subject in mankind’s fifteenth experiment to find out if expensive rent and food makes everyone lose their fucking minds”

Imma just leave this here…………