Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
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My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
#NeverForget
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones