Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you

Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here

guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood

ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day

Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now

If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.

*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*

Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?

Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids

Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressing

Saying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper

Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”

Wife: He’s your son!

Me: So you say! But I don’t…

*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*

Me: …ok fine he’s my son.

My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days

What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.

A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.

We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident

My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.

Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.

Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!

The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?

My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.

[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.

P Diddy or P Didn’t he?

Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.

Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*

There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door

A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.

Did you guys know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.

All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.

New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.

Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”