Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.

They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

*As the Titanic sinks*

Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album

Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO

The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?

Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.

I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog

🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶

My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.

[on phone]

Of course I trust you, babe. Always.

*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*

Omg 🤣

reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke

It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child

Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.

At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”

I like this way better.

[blind date]

her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something

me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship

her: ah there it is

[1st date]

Him: Do you like magic?

Her: I LOVE MAGIC

Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]

Her: *Screams*

Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.

Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.

I think I may need professional help…

A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!

My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.

Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.

I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.

I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.

Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.

Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.

me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this

my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired

A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.

~ Peter Pan

My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.

If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.

*me being romantic*