Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too

“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question

Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?

It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.

You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.

Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…

I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?

people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:

Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…

[world without bees]

Hamlet: to or not to

Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.

Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.

if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could

Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™

DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.

Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.

*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”

I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running

Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect

Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.

My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table

Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.

[1st date]

So, what’s your back story?

“I have scoliosis”

No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history

“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”

Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.

The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.

Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.

people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.

[first day as a mover]

boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.

me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S