Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”

My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.

HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?

A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”

The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.

My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway

Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night

My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.

reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume

Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.

my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now

me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks

veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer

WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume

I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.

Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?

Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.

What in the hell is “disposable income”?

I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.

I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”

POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.

stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos

If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.

Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.

i said it was my favourite show, i didn’t say it was good

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: *is asleep

Netflix: why are you like this

When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.

some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows

Science is fun!

#nottrue

Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.