Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Take caution while searching the annals of history.

The anals of history provide very different results.

Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.

I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road

My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

🥲

If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts

When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.

As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.

Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.

One cake enters. No cake leaves.

I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.

*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees

“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”

This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.

I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.

I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.

Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”

Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”

A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.

Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.

you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely

someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend

My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡

jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing

george would invest and lose everything

kramer would become a billionaire

elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy

me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags

me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis

Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?

Me: *googles ‘math’*

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?

My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.