Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.

Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.

Tonight: softball

Tomorrow: Advil

If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.

Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?

If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?

I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)

I’m a carb girl, born and bread

“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.

Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??

If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul

One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

girl: tough guys are hot

Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*

I have a gauntlet I just never use it

*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*

I love this

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog

Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant

I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this

Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.

*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-

Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM

Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”

why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police

There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.

Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today

Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)

Wife: I heard that

ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not

Waiter: May I recommend the steak?

Dracula: You may not

Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: YES!

Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?

Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!

Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: Yes!

Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?

ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”

Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?

Me: …in the basement?

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.