Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.

However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.

I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.

My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.

there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here

Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.

*Whispers in random chicks ear

“I have pizza in the van”

Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about

Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.

I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)

In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic

I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.

waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)

Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones

ME: Dave’s coming over for tea

WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?

DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas

Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.

Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.

Today’s tshirt

I come from a time of excessive Durans.

Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…

It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans

ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.

DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.

ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.

I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.