Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
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If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
about to have the best blueberries of my life
Children of the Corn Man
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
buys donuts instead
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.