Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
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My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.