Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?

They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.

*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*

Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it

Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker

Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents

me: please Bob. I’m sorry

Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up

if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks

[first day as lawyer]

me: obj—

judge: —shut up noob

therapist: describe this picture

me: that’s my father yelling at me

therapist: and this one

me: you having sex with my wife

therapist: and this one

me: aren’t these normally ink blots

[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?

[concert parking lot]

SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?

ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.

KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!

SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?

ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.

My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?

I said, Kindergarten.

If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.

I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.

The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed

Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?

Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.

6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down

Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?

best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets

My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.

My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.

Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)

The Compass

I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.

There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture

Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.

Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.

This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind: