Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
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Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)