Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]

Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.

student: now what?

driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn

stndent: ok

“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail

If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉

When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.

If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.

The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.

“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it

“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner

I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.

You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?

customs officer: anything to declare?

me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket

The Terminator: I need your clothes

Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull

The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work

Me: *holding up a leg* PULL

I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.

“I’m doing good, how are you?”

-Me lying out of my lying liar hole

My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from

I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.

Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”

I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.

It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.

My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.

In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.

The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.

took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.

doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.

me: 🙁

doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.

me: 😂

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl