Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
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STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Aaaa…CHOO!
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
