Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
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I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
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[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
What about a To-Don’t List?
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.