Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks

If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.

If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.

Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND

“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”

“There are four of us.”

“You heard me.”

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:

If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.

I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly

Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.

Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?

The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.

Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house

Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.

I like long walks away from everyone

*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*

OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!

Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.

gf: [crying] I love him

gf’s dad: if you love him let him go

gf: [lets go]

me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
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Me: My dog has gone missing

Dog pound: What colour is it?

Me: Brown

Dog pound: Sex?

Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?

I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.

people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper

Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?

I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.

SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms

I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.