Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk

*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”

Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”

I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!

I can’t 🤣🤣🤣

A ghost story

[first day as a barista]

ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole

NICHOLE: oh come on

Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days

yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol

[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”

I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.

My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.

Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.

The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.

Blocking someone isn’t enough. I want their ibuprofen to always be on the highest shelf, and just out of reach.

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

ME: Let’s go get some chicks

[later]

FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind

ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe

My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.

i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.

*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work

me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000

her: sure

me: k

sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth

You make a compelling argument, Morty.

mathematically impossible

i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand

The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare

Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???

Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.