WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
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5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.