WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
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My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?