Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.

Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.

i’ve decided to handle this like a mature adult…i’m telling your mom

VAMPIRE: ur making this weird

ME: my neck is ticklish!

0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening

I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.

me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there

You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.

Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.

that lip filler tho

*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.

Whoa 😂

Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this

The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.

Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.

Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag

Him: sir this is a food bank

Me: put all the broccoli in the bag

Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.

I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.

Nearly put me off my sandwich.

[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is

CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?

Me: Game of Prawns 🍤

A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing

-life lessons from Softball Coach

Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.

My neck, my back, my…

If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why

I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.

My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!

angel: you died

me: oh no

angel: but at least you lived a good life

me:

angel: helped others

me:

angel: did all u could

me:

angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I

me: I didn’t wanna interrupt

Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.

Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′

Me: He’s crowning!

King Charles: please don’t say it like that.

FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*