Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
You Might Also Like
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eelsI didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one