Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
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Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
A sick whale is called an unwhale
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]