Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.

my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?

sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway

I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery

Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby

Case of beer: I have a boyfriend

Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.

Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.

Family Celebrity

Baked and Naked are pronounced differently despite being Americans very favorite things.

The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job

My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu

Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving

can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise

i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot

Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.

It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.

Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”

Wrong hole! It’s too tight!

-me putting on my watch, you pervs

If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or

“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”

Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”

The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–

SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.

ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?

one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name

All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.

Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies

That eye roll….

wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes

When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.

When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.