wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
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me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.